My name is Barbara Berryman and this is part of my story.

I am the mother of three adult children and the grandmother to eight grandchildren.

It was the end of the summer in 2014 that I experienced a roller-skating accident. I did not know that this would drastically change my life. After being dismissed by a doctor in the emergency room department after I expressed my concerns of having a concussion and a black eye, I found myself three-weeks later having another fall in the bathtub and received inadequate medical care for both incidents. For the first time in my life I was homebound for an entire month. This month had an enormous effect on me. I received no support medically, through my work at a long-term care program, or from my family. I went into a five-month period of isolation where I shut everyone out and my anxiety and depression came back in full force. This contributed to my suicidal thoughts increasing and after nine years of being clean I relapsed.

In 2015 I lost my job, I lost my loft, and I lost myself. I was 46 years old and Homeless. After a year of couch-surfing, and at one point living out of my storage unit, in 2016 I found myself swallowing my pride and going to stay in a shelter. Unfortunately, this was the same shelter I had stayed at as a child 40 years ago. It became overwhelming for me. There was little support and I was living in a space with 100 other women which was very scary at times. I feared for my life at points. One night I woke up to find someone standing over my bed because she wanted me to stop snoring.

I spent a whole year trying to get housed, although I had arrears with housing that was not the only thing keeping me from reaching out for help. It was the whole stigma surrounding homelessness. I faced barrier after barrier in trying to access housing: living in a shelter, being denied because of the colour of my skin, having a letter from CMHA saying that I was with their program and the assumptions that accompanied that such as I must be crazy or addicted to drugs. My own housing worker witnessed these stigmatizing events that I endured over and over again. When I finally let myself become ecstatic because I thought I would be housed in December 2016 the water front property management changed hands and I was denied the unit. I was not going to be moving into my own place on January 1, 2017 as I had thought. This almost cost me my storage locker as well because I had given the storage unit notice, thinking I would no longer need the service as I would have my own apartment. I had been excited and happy at the prospect of moving out of the shelter. I had shared the news, only to be met with more disappointment.

Unfortunately it was that point in the shelter that I dropped out of my college program and had been clean for 3 months. I was tired. I was tired of what my life had become. I was embarrassed and ashamed and felt that I was never going to get that chance as no doors were opening. It felt like I didn’t matter, like my life didn’t matter and due to a year’s rejections on getting housed, it took a huge toll on my mental state and I had had enough. I ended relapsing again except this time I wanted it laced with fentanyl because I didn’t have the strength to do it.

Thankfully I didn’t give up nor did my support teams give up on me and today I'm pleased and happy to say that I have been housed now for over 4 years and I am 2+ years clean today. I am stable and living on my own with my mental health. Throughout this journey towards the end, I've had the most amazing support teams and I don’t know where I'd be if it had not been for them and if it wasn’t for the very first person who cared about my life, a perfect stranger the one that brought me back outside, back into society after telling her I saw myself hung and dead during my isolation. Her bringing me back out into society has led me to so many amazing opportunities along the way that I am forever grateful for. During my stay at the shelter, I volunteered at a drop-in center cooking with a team and feeding over 160 people per day. That place led me to another special lady at the drop-in center that led me to where I am today from enrolling in a program where I graduated, and that’s where I ended up winning 6 Photography contests over 4years. My photos were on display at pop up galleries within the city of Toronto and were published in the MYTORONTO Calendars, 4 years in a row, and a People’s Choice Award. Also recently one of my photos was chosen for a MYWORLD Calendar from the UK. I eventually became an ambassador for that very same company I graduated from. Today I am an activist for homelessness, mental health and housing as a Motivational Public Speaker with my biggest audience being 400ppl besides videos shared on YouTube. I’ve also had media coverage such as Vice Canada and the Toronto Star and have appeared on radio Metro Morning and I have been on CityTv and Breakfast Television. Also, through the support from CMHA since being in the shelter they too have opened doors for several opportunities, by allowing me to teach and cook with a team to those stable and living with mental health on incorporating foods from the food banks: “How to Cook on a Dime”, and also, I’ve had the opportunity to speak on a panel as a guest at Hot Doc Theater and at the Weather Network talking on the importance of Housing and Mental Health and how they're related.

The one thing I can say is that the one tool that helped me along my journey was ART. In every form. When I lived in the shelter, I would do adult colouring eventually this led to 50 percent of the women joining me and a few others every night in the café to colour. It calmed the shelter down. I found this very therapeutic. It became a great tool for my mental health that I still use today. Colouring allows you to close off every thought racing through your mind and the only thing you think about is what colour to do next. Photography has always been my passion, I just doubted myself and my talent until now, being a photography winner. A new form of art came within the past two years of being clean through covid I did Flip Cup painting.

I can’t express how important housing truly is and the effects it has on one’s Mental Health. But unless more organizations come together as a community and stray away from all the stigmas and start opening the doors to the less fortunate then this becomes a bigger problem such as overcrowded shelters, more homelessness and for some it’s a matter of life or death. And this is not acceptable and we need to do more. We as a community can be the change and make a difference in one’s life, one life, one family after another providing stability and more safe affordable housing for all without judgement.

My life has been a rollercoaster of overcoming. At one time I considered myself a lost soul. I’ve been on the streets, a victim of sexual assault and in jail numerous times. I always knew I thought and felt differently. It took a lot for me to accept that I suffer from mental health. I thought everyone around me could tell, as if I wore a sign. I didn’t think I could live a “normal” life. So I constantly self-sabotaged. At a low point in my life I realized that I am no different then anyone else. I am greatful to my mom Kate for never giving up on herself or on me, and for making me the strong independent women I am today. I am a survivor. Even though mental illness can sometimes take over my mind I will never allow it to get the best of me.

My picture is as transparent as I am. 

The eye in the middle represents those who do not have mental health issues looking in and the other two eyes are of a person who does suffer from mental health looking out. 

- DHQ

When my CMHA Worker, Mark, arrived to deliver the weekly supplies to me, during the pandemic, just before the weekend of my 50 birthday, I had been in the middle of a whirlwind of Spring Cleaning. I had been up since 6, and after a couple of cups of coffee and some care and affection for my plants, and my black cat Bruce Wayne, I had been laser-focussed on undergoing a list of long-overdue projects around my place.

My home. 

It was during the systematic – almost archaeological – overhaul of my homethat not only lost personal items and lost cat toys were unearthed again, but loose thoughts and memories about moving into my home.

I had lost everything in a house fire in 2015, and (to make a long and difficult story short) after a monstrous trip to the furthest depth, I was held at CAMH’s campus for a mandatory number of days, and then was sent to the Men’s Shelter on Sherbourne and Queen.  Although I was thankfully housed in the PSU, with its meaningful protections and privileges, it was still an unavoidably dark and dangerous experience, where theft, mental illness, violence, drug abuse, tragedy, death (once, experienced trying to comfort a man bleeding into my fingers from his head) … and so much humanity occurred all around me.  But I had nowhere else to go.

One day, after a hundred years at the Maxwell Meighen Centre, I was told that someone named Archana, from CMHA was there to see me.  At first, I thought that she was from CAMH, and that the PSU worker, who should know better, got the letters mixed up, and that maybe I was to go back to the mental health centre for some reason – a hope and a fantasy for me to get me the fuck out of here!  Yes, two people whom I got to know as friends while at CAMH attempted suicide and were rescued by staff – yet the loony-bin was a utopia for me, compared to what I was steeped in, in this place.

I was getting worse.

The trauma of loosing everything, with my middle-class personality, choosing to bat at a couple of possible solutions before suicide … Well, a couple of Canadian programs gave me some crumbs of hope, and I went along, for the time being. 

***

I have to here interject and express the importance to give human beings hope.

Not always in a clinical way.  But yes, a clinical approach is also comforting, because of the comfort of truth.  Hope by Affection is a powerful tool.  Believe me. 

After the fire, I just wanted to know if the government could help me before I took my life.  With my hands black with ash, and my body reeking of smoke and sweat, almost in a dream, I walked to the only government office that I was aware of at the time: an OW office.  Almost everyone (in retrospect) gave me a very wide berth.  I think I might have had some crazed look on my face or something. I don’t know.

They told me I wouldn’t be able to see anyone without an appointment.  I told them I would wait all day for an opening, since I had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.  I swear to god, it wasn’t five minutes later that an OW worker saw me, possibly to get rid of me.  I told her what happened, and I was aware that she probably couldn’t help me.  I was just following a series of possibilities until all possibility dried up.

She confirmed that she couldn’t help me. What did I want?  Well, my home was gone.  So, a home would be a beginning.  I remember crying that I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never even imagined myself being at this point.  I was on the edge of a cliff in the mist, and I didn’t know what was down there.

In reality, I couldn’t see past tomorrow. 

I don’t remember this woman’s name, yet she was one of those people that we need in our society.  And society would be better.

I remember her growing larger in front of me, and she said, “this is what you’re going to do …”

In my memory, the rest of the staff didn’t want anything to do with me – let alone everyone else, who they also wanted nothing to do with … LOL.  She saw what she saw, and I believe that she was one of those people in your business that applied because she wanted to help people.  And she was empathetic enough to see what she was seeing: a child, alone, in an indifferent world, regardless how old this child was.

She produced a taxi ticket to take me to CAMH. She said, “You are going to go to CAMH Emerg. You are going to tell them what you told me.  Ricardo, they will take care of you.” Those are the things that I most remember that she said to me, not paraphrased.

I went, did what she said, and when they scooped me up, one of the nurses who sat beside me during the intake process, holding my hand and looking at my face, offered me a sandwich and a shower. I fucking lost it.  I broke down, because I was so hungry and I was so dirty, and someone gave a shit.

***

I was a different person after a hundred years in the Shelter, and I was steadily devolving down through Dante’s Inferno to a worse conclusion.

When my number was up for housing, I of course wanted to know where.  North York. Oh shit!  My kids live in North York!  YES!

Well, North York spans all of the north of Toronto, and it turned out that they were on the furthest possible East in North York, while I had accepted the furthest West in North York.  I couldn’t stand further psychological battery in that shelter.  I accepted.

It is April 2021, over 5 years since Archana reached out and brought up Ricardo Costa out of Limbo, and into a home of his own. 

Jesus! You guys told me about shit that would disqualify me against staying here! WTF.  Speaking just for me, I would do anything for CMHA out of gratitude for what you have done for me.

Let me tell you an obvious truth, apart from any political propaganda:

The cure for homelessness … is a home.

In popular culture, The Homelessare a mass of mentally unstable people who live among the drug-crazed underground of cities who wear way too many layers of coats, and collect stuff in stolen shopping carts.

I was a “Homeless,” and I JUST wanted a home. I – wow – got a home.

CMHA got me a home.  Away from the Shelter.  When I first got the green light for this place in North York … um you have to wait one more month …

When I got there, the bolt-lock seemed to have been forced open in the past, and then fixed. Yeah.  The police must have forced their way into this place.

As I was getting furniture into the place, John, my Superintendent, challenged me openly: “Hey! are you a drug addict?”  I said, weakly, and with a lot of wonder, “No, I’m not like that.”

When I first moved in, I laid down on a blanket that I brought, and at night, I was fucking spooked.

When I was a kid “I saw dead people.” After puberty, I just get impressions from places.  I don’t expect you to believe me (at 50 years old now I don’t really care), but when I first moved into my “home,” oh shit, no wonder I couldn’t move in until a month later. No, I don’t think anyone died here LOL.  I’ve interrogated Mark already about the previous CMHA(s) occupants, and as expected, he has no idea (with perhaps a twinkle in his eye).

So, when I went down to collect the food bank items from Mark, I had to mention something to him, considering that I haven’t communicated with another living creature for a week, other than “meow.”

“Mark, I think this place is mine now.” 

Like I said, I get impressions.  Seriously, don’t worry about believing what I believe. Think of it as me being sensitive to what I experience. In the past, I got impressions of misery and violence.  

However, as I have lived here, I have been able to build a life and switch to looking down the road toward the future.

After years of living homeless in a HOME – thanks to CMHA, I told Mark that the ghosts that used to be here, aren’t here anymore.  I can’t see them anymore.  I’m not afraid of them anymore. This place is mine now.

I can see the future.  I can build from here.

Rikki La Coste

They came and got us at the Indian Reserve, where I lived and I got abducted by the Ontario Provincial Police. They took me to an Indian Residential School when I was a child. I survived violence, I survived sexual abuse. The reason I have mental illness is because of the catholic nuns slapping me on the head with the school ruler every two to three hours when I was trying to draw something on the school table or trying to learn something - I would get a whack on the head with the ruler. I think that’s where I got my mental illness. That’s my story. And I am not going to change it ever.

When I was a child, I used to draw on the table and watch cartoons on the TV. We had a 23 inch black and white tv when my late dad was still alive and my mom and brothers and sisters. We were all home in our big house. I used to draw what I saw on the cartoons. I would watch nature movies and that’s how I started my drawings and that’s why I started drawing eagles and nature. Sometimes I don’t feel like doing artwork, but sometimes I feel very inspired to do artwork. Once I start drawing, I don’t stop for 4-5 hours. At Eden Community Health, they have an art program in the coach house, Tamara is the instructor there for art. That’s where I started my art again. I went there every week for almost a year. I also participated in art programs at churches and synagogues around the city, including Out of the Cold programs where I sold my art work at Holy Blossom and Beth Emeth.

Nature and Life, Piece of Natural Wood with colours and life, 2021 Artist, Enrique Ponte Gil

Nature and Life represent peace, freedom, cooperation, respect, protection, love, being in the present and more important future.

A beautiful piece of natural branch picked up by me from Lake Ontario South West, 3 years ago, exposed to humidity, heat, snow, rain, sun and all kind of natural elements.

I used acrylic paint with green base for plants, growth or renewal. Red for fire. Blue for water. Yellow for sun. White for purity.

This art piece means to me HOPE for everyone on Earth to save the Planet.

Creating my art even after finishing it is a process of learning, concentration, creation, peace and wellbeing. Today I am feeling more positive, optimistic and with much better mental health.

Special Thank to Roberto Alvarez, Mark Dwyer, Alexis Stern, Odelia Tomas, Rachel Sveiris, Chandra Sullivan, Terry Pariseau, Mathai Devasia, Rayhan Hossain, Tania Barrie, Lindsey Desglose, Rania Gharzousi, Routes Staff, CMHA Staff and Managers

" THE ONLY REAL PRISON IS FEAR AND THE ONLY REAL FREEDOM IS FREEDOM FROM FEAR" 

Hello everyone, I have been a client of CMHA for many years now. CMHA is a non-profit organization that has been put together to help and assist people that struggle with mental health and addiction issues. This organization strives  to get these individuals well, steady on medications, and better control their mental health in order to be successful in life., They also provide these individuals with housing, food bank programming, and all other resources clients many need. . CMHA does a great job with steady client support from each team and their case workers. Being homeless is not easy, CMHA tries their best to house the clients to the best of their needs, making sure the clients are able to maintain and meet their everyday needsArt means to me a way in order for us as humans to express our feelings and emotions and our own inner creativity through the physical form of canvas painting and also poetry. 

My name is Ryan S, AKA: Kid,

and I am the local artist behind 416 and Company. I started this little company to show my love for a city that never gave up on me--even though I had given up on myself. Having life not being easy, and have lived first-hand on the streets of Toronto might sound a little cliche; however, I wouldn't change a thing since it has helped me grow into the person I am today. And for that, I am grateful!

With the encouragement of some pretty amazing people, programs, and supports, I was

able to safely get off—and stay off—the street, out of trouble, and shown care and a way of life that I believe only exists here in Toronto.

Through amazing schools like GBC, and UofT, I was able to not only survive off the street, but taught how to thrive in our society.  Graduating college with honours is still one of my greatest accomplishments to-date. Pair that with supports from the amazing people, programs and networks like CMHA and Rise, and I am given the time, space and safe frame-of-mind, to try to start my own little, and local company.

416 and Company

brings together all my love for the people of this beautiful city, in a trendy and fashionable way. Focusing mainly right now on custom accessories such as hats, toques, and pins, there is exponential room for growth.

Become a trendsetter today. Support local and small businesses!