The holidays can be hard for those who are grieving. The often unrealistic expectations placed on us for our time and emotional energy, financial pressures, and the need to navigate what might be challenging family dynamics all collide at this time of year.  

Holiday stresses combined with grief triggers — an empty seat at the festive table, a holiday tradition that now feels incomplete — can provoke feelings of isolation, sadness, fear, anger, and more and leave us feeling depleted.  

For those of us who are contending with loss and grief during the holiday season, here are some helpful tips to move through the season with care and compassion. 

Go easy on yourself. Too often, self-judgement and self-blame arise when we feel we are not fulfilling social obligations or when we might feel disconnected from people and occasions that are meant to be joyous. It can even feel like a betrayal of our loved one if we let ourselves feel happy or at ease while we are grieving.  

Put self-judgement on the shelf and replace it with kindness and self-compassion.  

• Give yourself full permission to feel what you feel. When difficult feelings come up, recognize them as natural and talk to yourself as you would to a friend: “Of course, this is hard right now — I’m grieving.” Or, “It’s okay to spend time taking care of myself right now.” 
• Engage in practices or rituals that restore you. Perhaps it’s making and enjoying a cup of tea in a favourite spot. Maybe it’s taking time to listen to soothing music, read a book, do a craft, or spend some time outdoors. Or, consider doing 10 minutes of stretching, yoga, or deep breathing before a big event. 
• Be intentional about checking in with yourself regularly and assessing the level of your “social battery.” Think about how you are feeling and how much energy — emotional, mental, or physical — you have available. Honour your own capacity and limits. 
• Have one or two “safe supports” you can call on when difficult emotions arise. It could be a good friend, a relative, a counsellor, an Elder, or a member of your faith community — anyone you feel comfortable and safe with, to talk through some of the things that you might be experiencing during the holidays.  
• Remember, grief can co-exist with joy. You can be a person who has experienced something difficult, even devastating, and also one who can laugh, feel delight, be playful and loving. Acknowledge and accept all the versions of yourself instead of pushing one or more facets of yourself away. 

Give yourself space to remember the person you’ve lost and, through those memories, to feel an ongoing connection — what modern grief theory calls a “continuing bond” —with them. Be guided in these practices by your own sense of readiness and tap into your “safe supports” when you need to. 

• Organize or take part in public gestures like setting a place for your loved one at the holiday table, cooking their favourite dish, lighting a candle in their honour, or sharing stories about the person with others.  
• If you feel ready, take time for private rituals to remember your loved one. Consider acts of remembrance such as writing them a letter, wearing or holding an object that belonged to them, or looking through photographs, letters or emails.  
• If your grief relates to other forms of loss (health, relationships, community, identity, stability), you might choose to honour what has changed through reflection, creativity, or grounding rituals. 
• Gift-giving offers the opportunity to select a charity, organization, or cause that was meaningful to your loved one and honour their legacy by volunteering or donating in memoriam.  
• Know that grief doesn’t heal through forgetting or denying, it heals as we move through a process of integrating memories and finding a new way of being in relationship with the person we’ve lost. Your connection to your loved one does not live in your pain. It lives in your love for them, your memories, and the way they live on in your life.  

There is perhaps no time when it’s more important to set boundaries than during the holidays — and that applies even more for those of us moving through grief. 

• Give yourself permission to say ‘no’ and permission to keep it simple. Let people know what you’re capable of doing or planning to do this year and ask for their understanding in advance. 
• If long-standing traditions feel painful, you may choose to change them or skip them entirely. Do what feels most supportive, not what you feel obligated to do. 
• Think about the “need-to-do’s” and the “nice-to-do’s.” You might need to work during the holidays, but where can you find time to rest, relax and (if you want to) socialize? Are there some events that you’ve been invited to that feel important and meaningful to you, but others that you might find more challenging and draining? Prioritize the first and politely decline the second.  
• Remember that it is okay to change plans at the last minute. You do not have to “be okay” for anyone else’s comfort or to fulfill expectations that are not realistic or possible. 
• If you find yourself at an event or engaged in an activity that is becoming overwhelming, know that you can manage it by: 
  • Setting a time limit. Let your hosts know that you may only be able to stay for an hour or two and might need to leave early.  
  • Have an escape plan. It can be a trusted person, a quiet space, or a phrase or signal you use to let others know you need a break.  

Grief is a natural response to loss. You are not alone, and there is no correct way to navigate this season. Allow yourself to move at your own pace, honour what you need, and reach for support when it feels right.